shēngrì kuàilè! liǎng diǎn... wèi shà?

Jīntiān língchén liǎng diǎn, wǒ yīgè nǚxìng péngyǒu gěi wǒ de nánxìng péngyǒu sòng qùle shēngrì zhùfú.

Guò bu le yīgè yuè, tā jiù yào jiéhūn. Wǒ hěn hàoqí, míngnián zài tā de shēngrì nèitiān, tā de qīzi bèi tā shǒujī de xìnxī shēng chǎo xǐng huì zěnme xiǎng. Wǒ dì nà wèi nǚxìng péngyǒu yīnggāi gǎibiàn yīxià tā de xíngwéi fāngshì.

生日快乐！两点。。。为啥？

今天凌晨两点，我一个女性朋友给我的男性朋友送去了生日祝福。

过不了一个月，他就要结婚。我很好奇，明年在他的生日那天，他的妻子被他手机的信息声吵醒会怎么想。我的那位女性朋友应该改变一下她的行为方式。

happy birthday! oh, two o'clock, why do you ask?

A female friend messaged my other friend to wish him a happy birthday. At two in the morning.

This birthday boy is about to be married in a month. I wonder what his future wife will be thinking, waking up to message notification sound from her husband's phone next year on his birthday. This female friend better change her ways.

javascript yíngzhàn xiàngliàn

Wǒ xiěle yīduàn tèshū de dàimǎ. Zhè duàn yuán dàimǎ shì wǒ lǎobǎn yīgè wǎngzhàn de yībùfèn.

Zhè chéngxù shì yòng PHP hé JavaScript xiě de. Wǒ xǐhuān PHP, dàn JavaScript zěnme yě dǒng bùzháo.JavaScript duì wǒ lái shuō, jiù xiàng wǒ ā mā duìyú méi yùn bù lái'ēn de mǐ mǔ yīyàng mòshēng. Dāng wǒ háishì gè háizi de shíhòu, wǒ ā mā jiù qùshìle. Tā shì shàng yī bèi de wánměi dàibiǎo, tā huì jiānchí zhǔ de jī yīdìng yàoshi xiàn zǎi de! Érqiě, tā hái chánzú.

Wúlùn rúhé, wǒ zài chéngshì mǎ de JavaScript bùfèn shàng yǐjīng làngfèile hěnduō shíjiān. Zhè liǎng xīngqí wǒ yīzhí hěn xiǎng mǎi yītiáo tèshū de xiàngliàn. Yúshì wǒ gàosù zìjǐ, rúguǒ wǒ kěyǐ zài rìluò zhīqián wánchéng cǐ xiàng rènwù, wǒ jiù mǎi nà tiáo xiàngliàn, dàn rúguǒ wǒ méi néng wánchéng, wǒ jiù yǒngyuǎn yǒngyuǎn bù huì mǎi nà tiáo xiàngliàn.

Lìng wǒ shìrán de shì, wǒ jiějuéle wèntí, jiějué fāngfǎ hé JavaScript háo wú guānxì, fǎn'ér yǔ PHP nà biān yǒu guānxì de. Yuánlái wèile dáchéng mùbiāo, xūyào jǐ zìjǐ yīdiǎn yālì.

Xiàngliàn màijiā, wǒ lái a! Nǐ juédé nǎ zhǒng yánsè zuì hǎo kàn?

javascript迎战项链

我写了一段特殊的代码。这段源代码是我老板一个网站的一部分。

这程序是用PHP和JavaScript写的。我喜欢PHP，但JavaScript怎么也懂不着。JavaScript对我来说,就像我阿嬷对于霉运布莱恩的米姆一样陌生。当我还是个孩子的时候，我阿嬤就去世了。她是上一辈的完美代表，她会坚持煮的鸡一定要是现宰的！而且，她还缠足。

无论如何，我在程式码的JavaScript部分上已经浪费了很多时间。这两星期我一直很想买一条特殊的项链。于是我告诉自己，如果我可以在日落之前完成此项任务，我就买那条项链，但如果我没能完成，我就永远永远不会买那条项链。

令我释然的是，我解决了问题，解决方法和JavaScript毫无关系，反而与PHP那边有关系的。原来为了达成目标，需要给自己一点压力。

项链卖家，我来啊！你觉得哪种颜色最好看？

javascript vs necklace

So I just finished writing a particular code. The code was a part of a website owned by my boss.

This code was in JavaScript and PHP. While I love PHP, for the life of me I can't understand JavaScript. It is as foreign to me as Bad Luck Brian meme to my paternal grandmother. Who passed away when I was little. She was from an older generation, you know, who insisted on having the chicken she was about to cook be butchered in front of her eyes! Also, she had lotus feet.

Anyhow, many hours was spent comprehending the JavaScript part of the code. Far too many hours. So I told myself I'd buy a necklace I've been drooling over the last two weeks if I could finish the code by sunset, and never to buy it if I failed.

To my relief I found a workaround that had little to do with JavaScript, much on the PHP side. Turns out one needs a little push to achieve his/her goal.

So... necklace seller, here I come! Which color do you think is best?

M&M's

Wǒ zhàn zài M&M jíxiáng wù páng pāile zhāng zhàopiàn, ránhòu wǒ gěi wǒ de péngyǒu kàn.

Tā shuō: "Liǎng rénwù zhǎng de dōu yīyàng a!"

=__= Zhēnshi de, kàn lái yòu yào jiéshíle!

M&M's

我站在M&M吉祥物旁拍了张照片，然后我给我的朋友看。

他说：「两人物长的都一样啊！」

=__= 真是的，看来又要节食了！

M&M's

I showed a friend a picture of me standing side by side with the gigantic red M&M's mascot.

"You two are similar," he said.

=__= Really, it seems I　have to go on a diet!

jīnnián de guānggùn jié

Yīgè péngyǒu wèn: "Nǐ zuìjìn hái hǎo ma?"

Wǒ huídá tā: "Hái hǎo, zhǐyǒu diǎn wúliáole."

Tā wèn wǒ: "Wèishéme?"

"Yīnwèi guānggùn jié yào dàole, rénmen dōu zài wǎngshàng gòuwù. Chúle xiāofèi zhǔyì, rénshēng lùshàng hái yīnggāi yǒu qítā shìqíng," wǒ shuōdao. Jǐ miǎo zhǒng hòu wǒ bǔchōng dào, "Wǒ dehuà tīng shàngqù xiàng shì yī míng gòngchǎn zhǔyì zhě bù?"

今年的光棍节

一个朋友问：「你最近还好吗？」

我回答他：「还好，只有点无聊了。」

他问我：「为什么？」

「因为光棍节要到了，人们都在网上购物。除了消费主义，人生路上还应该有其他事情，」我说道。几秒种后我补充道，「我的话听上去像是一名共产主义者不?」

single's day this year

A friend asked me why when I answered 'a little bored' to his question "How are you lately?"

I answered "People around me are shopping online for Single's Day. I feel bored because there should be something in life other than consumerism. Now I sound like a commie, don't I?"

007: èmó sìfú

Zhānmǔsī·bāng dé xìliè zuìxīn de yǐngpiàn hěn yīn chénchén. Quēfá zhíwù.

Wǒ juédé, cóng dānní'ěr·kè léi gé bànyǎn 007 kāishǐ,007 jiù yǐjīng xíngchéngle gùdìng móshì: Zài diànyǐng zhōng, tā bìxū jīngshòu kǔxíng. Zhè cì hàipà yáyī de rén zhèngshíle tāmen de kǒngjù, yīnwèi zhè diànyǐng de xíngjù xiàng yáyī de yá zuàn yīyàng de.

Hái yǒu, mò nī kǎ·bèi lǔ qí méiyǒu zài shàng qián de 007 yǐngpiàn “dàpò tiānmù shājī” zhòng chūxiàn ma?

007：惡魔四伏

詹姆斯·邦德系列最新的影片很阴沉沉。缺乏植物。

我觉得，从丹尼尔·克雷格扮演007开始，007就已经形成了固定模式：在电影中，他必须经受苦刑。这次害怕牙医的人证实了他们的恐惧，因为这电影的刑具像牙医的牙钻一样的。

还有，莫妮卡·贝鲁奇没有在上前的007影片《大破天幕杀机》中出现吗？

spectre

James Bond's newest movie is dark, gloomy, and lack of green plants.

I think it becomes the norm since Daniel Craig took the rule that 007 must be tortured on screen. This time viewers who are already afraid of going to dentists can validate their fear, for the device used for torturing purposes in this movie resembles a dentist's drill.

Also, wasn't Monica Bellucci in the movie before? Skyfall.

gāngà de wǔfàn

Jīntiān wǒ zài yījiā cāntīng chī wǔfàn shí, wǒ kàn dàole yǐqián de dàxué jiǎngshī. Tā méiyǒu jiàoguò wǒ dàn hé wǒ chī wǔfàn de péngyǒu mǎshàng rèn chūle tā.

Zhè chǔjìng zhēn gāngà ya! Wǒ juédìng shì'érbùjiàn. Rúguǒ wǒ gēn tā dǎzhāohū dehuà, nà tā jiù huì kàn dào wǒ péngyǒu, bìngqiě fāxiàn wǒ péngyǒu shì tā céngjīng jiàoguò de xuéshēng què bùxiǎng gēn tā dǎzhāohū. Yàoshi zhèyàng dehuà jiù bù hǎole.

Nǐmen zěnme yàng, zuìjìn yǒu méiyǒu xiànrù zhè zhǒng gāngà de chǔjìng?

尴尬的午饭

今天我在一家餐厅吃午饭时，我看到了以前的大学讲师。他没有教过我但和我吃午饭的朋友马上认出了他。

这处境真尴尬呀！我决定视而不见。如果我跟他打招呼的话，那他就会看到我朋友，并且发现我朋友是他曾经教过的学生却不想跟他打招呼。要是这样的话就不好了。

你们怎么样，最近有没有陷入这种尴尬的处境？

awkward lunch

So I saw an ex-lecturer of my ex-university while having lunch at a restaurant today. He had never taught me, but my friend who I was having lunch with recognized him instantly.

Frozen in awkward situation, I decided to do nothing. It would not be good if I greeted him and brought attention to my friend, who's been his student but didn't want to greet him.

How about you? Any awkward situation you're having lately?

kùrè nánnài

Jīntiān wǒ qí chē jīngguò yīgè dàxíng shùzì wēndù pái shí tàiyáng zǎoyǐ xī xià. Shàngmiàn xiǎnshì: Mùqián wēndù èrshíjiǔ shèshìdù.

Nánguài wǒ hàn rú yǔ xià, ér wǒ de àirén sànfàzhe yī gǔ duò suì de máo cōng de wèi er!

酷热难耐

今天我骑车经过一个大型数字温度牌时太阳早已西下。上面显示：目前温度二十九摄氏度。

难怪我汗如雨下，而我的爱人散发着一股剁碎的毛葱的味儿！

the weather is too hot

The sun has long set when I rode past a giant digital announcement board today. 29 Celcius degree, it said.

No wonder I sweated like crazy and my lover smelled like minced shallots!

yìnní de jiàng tóu -- dì èr bùfèn

Bókè yǒu yīduàn shíjiān méi gēngxīnle. Zhè cì ràng wǒ gàosù nǐ yīgè yǒuguān wǔshí duō suì de nǚrén de gùshì. Tā zǒng shì gēn rén jiǎng tā shì duōme dì měilì, hái xǐhuān shuō zìjǐ pífū méiyǒu zhòuwén, lián shēngchēng èrshí duō suì de niánqīng xiǎohuǒ dōu xiǎng zhuīqiú zìjǐ. Tā gōngkāi chēng yìnní nà zhǒng jiào 'shūshu' de wū shù ràng tā déyǐ bǎochí měimào.

Kě wèntí shì, suǒyǒu rén dōu kěyǐ kànjiàn tā liǎn shàng de zhòuwén, érqiě tā de zhòuwén jiù xiàng shì zài bīngxiāng lǐ fàngle yīgè yuè de húluóbo de zhězhòu shì de.

Wǒ xiǎng, nàgè fǎshù zhǐshì ràng tā de nǎozi huò yǎnjīng míhúle.

Rén kěyǐ wéi le qián zuò chū zhème kěpà de shìqíng. Shènzhì lián quēfá ānquán gǎn de lǎo nǚrén yě bù fàngguò, bùxī tōngguò qīpiàn tā lái huòqǔ jīnqián.

印尼的降头 -- 第二部分

博客有一段时间没更新了。这次让我告诉你一个有关五十多岁的女人的故事。她总是跟人讲她是多么的美丽，还喜欢说自己皮肤没有皱纹，连声称二十多岁的年轻小伙都想追求自己。她公开称印尼那种叫《叔叔》的巫术让她得以保持美貌。

可问题是，所有人都可以看见她脸上的皱纹，而且她的皱纹就像是在冰箱里放了一个月的胡萝卜的褶皱似的。

我想，那个法术只是让她的脑子或眼睛迷糊了。

人可以为了钱做出这么可怕的事情。甚至连缺乏安全感的老女人也不放过，不惜通过欺骗她来获取金钱。

indonesian black magic -- part two

Haven’t updated in a while! This time I will tell you about a fifty-something woman I know who keeps telling everyone how pretty she is, wrinkle-free, chased by men half her age, etc. She publicly praised herself for using Indonesian black magic 'susuk' to keep her beautiful.

The problem is, everyone can see that she is wrinkly. As in carrots you forget on the fridge after month-long holiday wrinkly.

I think the only thing that susuk done right was messing with her head or eyesight.

Scary what people can do for money, even going as far as conning an insecure old lady.

tā xiǎng yào qù zhōngguó xuéxí zhōngwén

Nǐ kěnéng hěn nàn xiāngxìn xiàmiàn de gùshì, dànshì wǒ xiàng nǐ bǎozhèng, zhè shì zhēn de.

Dàyuē yīgè xīngqí qián, wǒ de yīgè péngyǒu zài lùntán lǐ fāle yīgè tiē zǐ, tā xiǎng zhīdào lùntán li yǒu méiyǒu péngyǒu dàoguò zhōngguó xuéxí zhōngwén.

Jiēzhe, qùguò zhōngguó dì nàxiē rén yīgè jiē yīgè de màole chūlái, dàn què zì gù zì de gēn qítā rén liáole qǐlái. Zhídào tāmen liáo dào língxià wǔ dù xià xuě de tiānqì gēn língdù yǐshàng guā fēng de tiānqì nǎge gèng bú shūfú de shíhòu. Zhōngyú yǒurén xiǎngqǐ wǒ dì nà wèi péngyǒu, wèn tā shìfǒu yào qù zhōngguó xuéxí zhōngwén.

Wǒ péngyǒu yǐjīngguòle shàngxué de niánlíng, suǒyǐ dāng tā huídá 'shì' de shíhòu, dàjiā dōu juédé hěn qíguài. Tā gàosù dàjiā tā méiyǒu xuǎnzé, bìxū qù. Dàjiā dàng rán bù kěn fàngqì, xiǎng cóng tā zuǐ lǐ tào chū gèng duō de xìnxī.

'Wǒ bìxū qù.' Bèi zhuīwèn dé bù shēng qí fán hòu tā shuō: 'Wǒ zài zhuī dì nà bù mànhuà chūle xùjí, zhǐyǒu zhòng wén bǎn, méiyǒu wǒmen yǔyán de bǎnběn!'

她想要去中国学习中文

你可能很难相信下面的故事，但是我向你保证，这是真的。

大约一个星期前，我的一个朋友在论坛里发了一个贴子，她想知道论坛里有没有朋友到过中国学习中文。

接着，去过中国的那些人一個接一個地冒了出來，但却自顾自地跟其他人聊了起来。直到他们聊到零下五度下雪的天气跟零度以上刮风的天气哪个更不舒服的时候。终于有人想起我的那位朋友，问她是否要去中国学习中文。

我朋友已经过了上学的年龄，所以当她回答「是」的时候，大家都觉得很奇怪。她告诉大家她没有选择，必须去。大家当然不肯放弃，想从她嘴里套出更多的信息。

「我必须去。」被追问得不胜其烦后她说：「我在追的那部漫画出了续集，只有中文版，没有我们语言的版本！」

she wanted to go to china to study language

You may find the following story hard to believe. But I assure you it is true.

About a week ago, a friend of mine posted a question to a forum. She wanted to know if said forum had any member who had been to China to study Mandarin.

Naturally, people claiming to'd visited China emerged one by one and began talking among themselves. In the middle of a discussion about which one is worse, Beijing in -5 Celcius degree with snow or Beijing above zero but with the wind blowing, someone finally remembered my friend. She asked her whether she'd want to go to China to study Mandarin.

My friend's age was past when the age when people usually go pursue their education, so when she said yes, people were curious. She told them she had to go, she had no choice. It was understandable that by then people wanted to squeeze every piece of information out of her.

"I must go," she said after so many of us pestered her: "The manga series I've been following published a new book, and the only translation available is in Chinese language."

bìshèngkè lǐ yǒu shénme dōngxī shì xīn de

Nǐ rúguǒ méiyǒu děnglízǐ diànshì, biérén juédé nǐ shì jíduān fènzi.
-- mǎkè·bó yī ěr-méiyǒu jīnqián de rén --

Wǒ shènzhì　lián yī tái diànshì dōu méiyǒu, gèng bié shuō nà?
-- wǒ --

Bìshèngkè diànyuán huì fēnfā jiàn qìqiú, qítā rén de xióng háizi bùyòng tā chuō wǒ de shíhòu, wǒ háishì xǐhuān qù nàlǐ chī bǐsà de.

Wǒ yě xǐhuān tāmen jiào “táozi quán” de yǐnliào, hěn měiwèi de. Suǒyǐ wǒ dà bùfèn shíjiān hē nàge.

Zhè cì càidān yǒu yīxiē xīn de shípǐn, hǎoxiàng jiào nà qiáo nǎilào shénme de. Yī zhǒng yìdàlì miàn de jiàng hé ròu, jiā yīxiē yùmǐ bǐng, ránhòu bǎ yùxiān rónghuà de nǎilào dào zài shàngmiàn. Wèidào jīngrén de hǎo.

Pángbiān de zhuōzi de sān gè xiǎopéngyǒu yě jīngrén de guījǔ! Wǒ xiǎng gēn jiāzhǎng jìnxíng yīcì wèn tán, zěnme gěi háizi chī shénme yàole, tāmen de háizi cái nàme shùncóng. Wǒ huáiyí, zài bìshèngkè li yǒu wéi értóng shèzhì de bòhé yān; yīnwèi bā suì yǐxià de háizi xúnguīdǎojǔ de hěn shǎo.

必胜客里有什么东西是新的

你如果没有等离子电视，别人觉得你是極端份子。
-- 马克·博伊尔-没有金钱的人 --

我甚至连一台电视都没有，更别说那？
-- 我 --

必胜客店员会分发剑气球，其他人的熊孩子不用它戳我的时候，我还是喜欢去那里吃比萨的。

我也喜欢他们叫《桃子泉》的饮料，很美味的。所以我大部分时间喝那个。

这次菜单有一些新的食品，好像叫纳乔奶酪什么的。一种意大利面的酱和肉，加一些玉米饼，然后把预先融化的奶酪倒在上面。味道惊人的好。

旁边的桌子的三个小朋友也惊人的规矩！我想跟家长进行一次问谈，怎么给孩子吃什么药了，他们的孩子才那么顺从。我怀疑，在必胜客里有为儿童设置的薄荷烟；因为八岁以下的孩子循规蹈矩的很少。

what's new on pizza hut

If you don't own a plasma screen TV, people think you're an extremist.
-- Mark Boyle – The Moneyless Man --

I don't even own a TV, how about that?
-- me --

When not being poked by sword-shaped balloons that is bestowed upon unruly children of other visitors by the employee of Pizza Hut, I like to enjoy their pizza.

I also grown to love their Peach Spring drink, which is heavenly. So I ordered that most of the time.

This time there's a new menu, nacho cheese something. It looked like someone made the meat sauce off a spaghetti recipe and added a handful of tortillas on it, then poured some previously melted cheese on it. It surprisingly tasted good.

The three children seated next to my table were also surprisingly well-behaved! I would like to throw an interview to the parents, what antidote did they give to their sweet children. Pizza Hut's places seem to exude the fume of catnip-equivalent for human children; it's very rare to see calm, contained children under the age of eight in their restaurants.

xiǎng fàngqì xuéxí zhōngwén

Zuìjìn wǒ hěn xièqì. Shénme yuányīn ne? Shàng xīngqí wǒ yùjiànle wǒ bàba de táng xiōng hé tā de liǎng gè qīnqī. Tāmen liǎ cóng dàlù lái yìnní.

Wǒ de ā bó yòng zhōngwén gēn tāmen liáotiān. Zhè sān niánlái wǒ zìxué zhōngwén, dàn wǒ tīng bù dǒng tāmen de duìhuà, zhǐ tīng dǒngle 〈nàgè〉, 〈Běijīng〉, 〈sān〉, hé 〈Táiwān〉 jǐ gè shēngcí.

Wǒ hái tīng cuòle, wǒ yǐwéi ā bó shuō 〈diǎn〉, qíshí tā shuō de shì 〈tiān〉!

Tā gàosùle dàjiā, tā bèi yāoqǐng qù běijīng cānguān yī zhǒng wǔqì. Zhǔchí rén kuākǒu shuō yòng zhè xīn de wǔqì, Táiwān kěyǐ zài sān tiān zhī nèi bèi pào hōng dǎdǎo.

Bùyào bǎ. Wǒ tài xièqì, bùyào xiūgǎi zhè piān wénzhāng suǒyǐ zài zhèngzhì shàng shì zhèngquè.

想放弃学习中文

最近我很泄气。

什么原因呢？上星期我遇见了我爸爸的堂兄 和他的两个親戚。他们俩从大陆来印尼。

我的阿伯用中文跟他们聊天。这三年来我自学中文，但我听不懂他们的对话，只听懂了〈那个〉，〈北京〉，〈三〉，和〈台湾〉几个生词。

我还听错了，我以为阿伯说〈点〉，其实他说的是〈天〉！

他告诉了大家，他被邀请去北京参观一种武器。主持人夸口说用这新的武器，台湾可以在三天之内被炮轰打倒。

不要把。我太泄气，不要修改这篇文章所以在政治上是正确。

want to give up on learning chinese language

I am quite in the low spirit lately.

The cause? When my father's cousin and I met last week, two of his relatives trod along. They are native Chinese from mainland.

My uncle conversed with them using Mandarin. I've been self-taught in Mandarin for about three years now. But all that made sense to me were 'that', 'Beijing', 'three', and 'Taiwan'.

Even I made a mistake thinking that my uncle said 'hours' instead of 'days'!

He was telling them that he was invited to a weapon exhibition or something in Beijing. The person who invited him had boasted that the new machinery could take Taiwan down in three days.

No. I am too low-spirited to alter this post into a politically correct one.

yǒu xiǎo háizi dì měilì nǚrén, xiǎoxīn a!

Wǒ tóngshì gàosùle wǒ rúguǒ tā yǐhòu bùzài zhèlǐ gōngzuòle, tā huì xiǎng yào zuò shénme.

"Wǒ kěyǐ kāichē jiāng xiǎopéngyǒu cóng xuéxiào sòng huí jiā, ránhòu zài bǎ tāmen cóng jiā sòng dào xuéxiào, yǐ cǐ xiàng tāmen de fùmǔ shōuqǔ bàochóu."

Wǒ xiǎng gēn tā kāi gè wánxiào, suǒyǐ shuō: 'Qiáojiàn nǐ nà zhāng liǎn tāmen bù huì xià kū ma?'

Tā méi rènshū, jiù shuō: "Nà wǒ jiù gěi tāmen de piàoliang māmā dǎ diànhuà, 'kuài guòlái a, nǐ érzi zài kū', tāmen jiù huì guòláile."

'Rúguǒ tāmen de māmā bù měi, zěnme bàn?'

"Bǎ nǐ ér zǐ huán gěi nǐ, sǐ xiǎo guǐkū de gè bù tíng, zhēn máfan, zǒu zǒu zǒu zǒu."

有小孩子的美丽女人，小心啊！

我同事告诉了我如果他以后不在这里工作了，他会想要做什么。

「我可以开车将小朋友从学校送回家，然后再把他们从家送到学校，以此向他们的父母收取报酬。」

我想跟他开个玩笑，所以说:「瞧见你那张脸他们不会吓哭吗？」

他没认输，就说：「那我就给他们的漂亮妈妈打电话，‘快过来啊，你儿子在哭’，她们就会过来了。」

「如果他们的妈妈不美，怎么办？」

「把你儿子还给你，死小鬼哭的个不停，真麻烦，走走走走。」

pretty women with small children, beware!

My colleague talked about his plans for later when he's not working for our boss anymore.

"With my car I will pick up small kids from the school and deliver them to their houses, and from their houses to the school, getting payment from their parents."

Wanting to tease him, I asked: "Won't they cry just by the mere sight of your face?"

He's not losing it: "Then I'll call their pretty mothers, 'come here, your son's crying', and they'll come."

"What if their mothers are not pretty?"

"Here, take your crying child and go away."

mèng jiàn zhanmusi·a'er tú qiè er

Zài wǒ de mèng lǐ Zhanmusi·A'er tú qiè er chuànglìle zìjǐ de shíshàng fúshì gōngsī. Wǒ qùle tā kāi zài yījiā gòuwù zhòng xīn lǐ de shāngdiàn. Kàn dào tā de míngzì bèi fèng zàile nán shì nèiyī lǐ, wǒ xiàole. Tā mài nàgè yī xiāng sān jiàn.

Zuìhòu wǒ mǎile yī jiàn chènyī (huò yī jiàn xùshān, jì bù qǐ), tā de míngzì yě bèi fèng zàile yīfú de lǐmiàn.

梦见詹姆斯·阿尔图切尔

在我的梦里詹姆斯·阿尔图切尔创立了自己的时尚服饰公司。我去了他开在一家购物中心里的商店。看到它的名字被缝在了男式内衣里，我笑了。他卖那个一箱三件。

最后我买了一件衬衣（或一件恤衫，记不起），他的名字也被缝在了衣服的里面。

dreamt of james altucher

So in my dream James Altucher started his own clothing line. I visited a shop of his on the mall and giggled seeing his name sewn on a pair of male underwears. He sold them in boxes, 3 pcs each.

In the end I bought a shirt (or a polo shirt, can't remember), also with his name sewn on the inside.

nǐ zhīdào zìjǐ jiǎnféi yǐ chū yǒu chéngxiào, dāng... -- dì èr bùfèn

Yīgè nǐ gāng rènshí de nánhái (tā bù zhīdào nǐ céngjīng pàngguò) gēn nǐ shuō pàng nǚhái de huàihuà, shuō fēicháng yànwù tāmen.


Zuìhòu yòng yīgè "ǒu" de biǎoqíng jiéshù pínglùn!

Nǐ cāi zěnmezhe? Ài duì biérén píngtóulùnzú de jiāhuo cái shì zuì lìng rén tǎoyàn de.

你知道自己减肥已初有成效，当。。。 -- 第二部分

一个你刚认识的男孩（他不知道你曾经胖过）跟你说胖女孩的坏话，说非常厌恶她们。


最后用一个《呕》的表情结束评论！

你猜怎么着？爱对别人评头论足的家伙才是最令人讨厌的。

you know you've lost a few pounds from your overweight state when... -- part two

A guy you just met (a.k.a the guy who have no idea you heave been fat before) talked trash about fat girls, saying he's disgusted of them and stuff.


Complete with the 'blurrrgh' emoticon!

You know what? Judgmental guys are the ones who're disgusting.

xūróng de tóngshì

Shuō dào fūsè, yìnní huárén pǔbiàn bǐ yìnní běndì rén gèng bái.

Zài qù bàngōngshì túzhōng, wǒ kànjiànle yī wèi tóngshì. Qíguài, jīntiān tā zěnme yī qué yī guǎi de zǒu.

"Fāshēng shénme shìle?" wǒ wèn tā.

"Zuó wǎn huá dǎo le, wǒ bǎ jiǎohuái niǔle," tā huídá.

"Ó, zhēn kělián!" wǒ zhuā zhù tā de shǒu xiǎng fú tā zǒu.

"Bù, bù, bù, bùxíng," tā jùjuéle. Tā kàn wǒ hěn kùnhuò, jiù jiěshì shuō: "Bàoqiàn, biérén kàn wǒmen shǒu lā zhuóshǒu shì bù hǎo de. Tāmen kěndìng yào bǎ nǐ de fūsè hé wǒ de zuò bǐjiào."

Tā shì yìnní běndì rén, wǒ shì yìnní huárén. Wǒ xiàole, fàng kāile tā de shǒu. Míngbáile. Shuō dàodǐ wǒ yěshì yīgè xūróng de nǚhái.

虚荣的同事

说到肤色，印尼华人普遍比印尼本地人更白。

在去办公室途中，我看见了一位 同事。奇怪，今天她怎么一瘸一拐地走。

「发生什么事了？」我问她。

「昨晚滑倒了，我把脚踝扭了，」她回答。

「哦，真可怜！」我抓住她的手想扶她走。

「不，不，不，不行，」她拒绝了。她看我很困惑，就解释说：「抱歉，别人看我们手拉着手是不好的。他们肯定要把你的肤色和我的做比较。」

她 是印尼本地人，我是印尼华人。我笑了，放开了她的手。明白了。说到底我也是一个虚荣的女孩。

my vain colleague

Talking about skin, one of Indonesian-born-Chinese's is generally fairer than that of native Indonesian's.

This morning, on the way to my office, I saw a colleague walking funny.

"What happened?" I asked her.

"I slipped and twisted my ankle last night," she answered.

"Poor you!" I grabbed her hand, intending to help her walk.

"No no no don't," she refused, and upon seeing my baffled face, added: "Sorry, but if people see us hand-in-hand, they'll compare your skin color to mine."

She was native to Indonesia, while I was of Chinese descent. With the understanding of her point, I laughed and dropped her hand. After all, I was also a vain girl.

dì yīcì bèi quánqiú sù mài tōng tuì kuǎn

Ràng wǒ gàosù nǐ wǒ zài quánqiú sù mài tōng de jīnglì. Màijiā méiyǒu chǔlǐ wǒ de dìngdān, suǒyǐ quánqiú sù mài tōng bǎ qián tuìhuán gěi wǒ. Zhòngdiǎn shì, měiyuán duì yìnní de huìlǜ bǐ wǒ dāngchū fù qián shí dī, dǎozhì wǒ sǔnshīle yīxiē qián. :(

第一次被全球速卖通退款

让我告诉你我在全球速卖通的经历。卖家没有处理我的订单，所以全球速卖通把钱退还给我。重点是，美元兑印尼的汇率比我当初付钱时低，导致我损失了一些钱。 ：（

aliexpress refund for the first time

Let me tell you about my experience shopping at Aliexpress. The seller didn't process my order, so aliexpress returned my money. The thing is, USD to IDR currency is higher when I placed my order than when they refund my money, so I lost a few IDRs. :(

hā màn nǚshì mài “kǔ tài”

... Tā yě mài wǒ zuìxīn zuì xǐhuān de mùguā yè shíwù. Yíhàn de shì wǒ bìng bù zhīdào nà dào cài de míngzì.

Hā màn nǚshì yǒu yīxiē de fēndiàn. Qíguài de shì, bùtóng fēndiàn nǎ mùguā yè zǐ cài de wèidào jìngrán bù yīyàng. Wǒ zuì xǐhuān ā dùn shìchǎng nǎ jiā fēndiàn de wèidào.

Shùnbiàn shuō yīxià, tā de fǎ lǔ zhèn bù bèi·lè qí qū de zhīdiàn gānggāng bān dào xīn dì dìfāng, jùlí jiùzhǐ zhǐyǒu jǐ bǎi mǐ. Tā xiànzài wèiyú xīnjiāpō guómín xuéxiào de duìmiàn.

哈曼女士卖《苦太》

。。。她也卖我最新最喜欢的木瓜叶食物。遗憾的是我并不知道那道菜的名字。

哈曼女士有一些的分店。奇怪的是，不同分店那木瓜叶子菜的味道竟然不一样。我最喜欢阿盾市场哪家分店的味道。

顺便说一下， 她的法鲁镇布贝·乐其区的支店刚刚搬到新的地方，距离旧址只有几百米。它现在位于新加坡国民学校的对面。

madame harman's gudeg

... hosts my newest craving for a dish that contains papaya leaves. But it's a shame I don't know the name of the dish.

Madame Harman opens in various Iocation. Strangely the dish tastes different in different places. I love what they do to the dish in Pasar Atom most.

By the way, her restaurant in Pepelegi Waru area just moved a few hundred metres from its old location. It is now located across Singapore National Academy.

guānyú tàidù

Dāng wǒmen juédé lèile, bèi wēixié huò zāoyù bù gōngpíng duìdài shí, zìwǒ kòngzhì shì zuì nán zuò dào de. Wǒ zài nǎohǎi lǐ bùduàn duì zìjǐ shuō 'Tàidù, tàidù.' dāng wǒ zài shēnzhèn hé xiānggǎng de biānjìng xiàn páiduì shí, “huáng gàng kǒu'àn” rúguǒ wǒ méi nòng cuò dehuà, děnghòu zhōngguó hé xiānggǎng de chū rùjìng. Méi cuò, cóng shēnzhèn dào xiānggǎng chū rùjìng hé qù wàiguó yīyàng de yāo jìnxíng hǎiguān ānjiǎn. Duìwǔ hěn zhǎng, rénmen huǎnmàn de qiánjìn yóurú wōniú.

Jiéjú shì wǒ páile liǎng gè xiǎoshí, ránhòu hái shèng yīxiē tàidù, jìxù wǒ dào xiānggǎng jiǔlóng de wàngjiǎo dìqū de lǚchéng!

关于态度

当我们觉得累了，被威胁或遭遇不公平对待时，自我控制是最难做到的。我在脑海里不断对自己说「态度，态度。」当我在深圳和香港的边境线排队时, 《皇岗口岸》如果我没弄错的话 , 等候中国和香港的出入境。没错，从深圳到香港出入境和去外国一样的要进行海关安检 。队伍很长，人们缓慢地前进犹如蜗牛。

结局是我排了两个小时,然后还剩一些态度，继续我到香港九龍的旺角地區的旅程！

on attitude

Self-control is the most difficult to exercise when we feel tired, threatened, or treated unfairly. I remembered chanting the word 'attitude, attitude' in my head waiting in line at the Shenzhen-Hong Kong border, Huanggang Border Crossing if I'm not mistaken, for China and HK immigrations and customs. Yes, people travelling from Shenzhen to Hong Kong must pass immigrations and customs, just like going to another country. The line was long and people moved forward with the speed of the snail.

In the end I got out after queueing for 2 hours, and with some attitude left continued my journey to Hong Kong's Kowloon Mongkok area!

àiguó zhǔyì yánjiū

Wo de Xi'an péngyou gàosù wo ta zài dàxué zhu xiule cáiliào huàxué. Ta shì cáiliào hé huàxué zhi jian de jiaocha xuéke. Ta keyi bèi yòng yú shengchan xin de cáiliào, lìrú: nàmi lìzi, tàiyángnéng diànchí, deng.

Wo wèn ta nàli de kexuéjiamen zhuàn de qián shì bùshì bi shangrénmen zhuàn de gèng duo. Ta shuo: "Hen nán chéngwéi yigè kexuéjia. Érqie, women zhuàn de qián gèng shao."

"Nà wèishéme zhu xiu ta?" wo wèn ta.

"Women shì yigè fazhan zhongguójia, zuòwéi yigè zhong guó rén, women you zérèn jiarù dào zuguó jiànshè zhong qù."

Tingle ta shuo dehuà, wo wú yán yi duì, yinwèi zài yìnní henduo rén jiang zìji fàng zài dì yi wèi.

爱国主义研究

我的西安朋友告诉我他在大学主修了材料化学。它是材料和化学之间的交叉学科。它可以被用于生产新的材料，例如：纳米粒子，太阳能电池，等。

我问他那里的科学家们赚的钱是不是比商人们赚的更多。他说：「很难成为一个科学家。而且，我们赚的钱更少。」

「那为什么主修它？」我问他。

「我们是一个发展中国家，作为一个中国人，我们有责任加入到祖国建设中去。」

听了他说的话，我无言以对，因为在印尼很多人将自己放在第一位。

patriotic studying

A friend from Xi An said he took material chemistry major in university. It was an interdiscipline subject between materials and chemistry. It can be applied in producing new materials, for example: nano particles, solar cells, etc.

I asked him whether scientists made more money than merchants there. He said: "Being a scientist is very hard. On top of that, we also earn less money."

"Then why are you taking it?" I asked.

"Our country is a developing country, as a Chinese, we should take our responsibility to support our own country."

His answer left me speechless because in my country people put themselves first before the country.

wǒ yīnggāi jǐnjǐn wèile shǐyòng Outlook zhànghù ér yímín guówài ma?

Wǒ gānggāng shēngchéng yīgè Outlook zhànghù. Dàn dāng wǒ xiǎng fāsòng yī fēng diànzǐ yóujiàn shí, yǒu jǐnggào shuō: "Qǐng yànzhèng nǐ de zhànghù. Wǒmen fāxiàn nǐ de Outlook.com zhànghù cúnzài yīxiē yìcháng huódòng. Wèile bāngzhù bǎohù nǐ, wǒmen zhànshí zǔzhǐle nǐ de zhànghù." Wǒ méi lǐ tā, wǒ juédé wēiruǎn wúliáole. Dàn wēiruǎn shì rènzhēn de, wǒ de diànzǐ yóujiàn wánquán fǎ bù chūqù!

Zuìhòu wǒ rěnle, dàn wǎngzhàn qǐngqiú shǒujī tōngguò yànzhèng, "Yìndùníxīyà" méiyǒu shàngshì! Bǐ'ěr·Gài cí tā mā..

Méi cuò, wǒ yǐqián xiěle zhèyàng de shìqíng.

我应该仅仅为了使用Outlook帐户而移民国外吗？

我刚刚生成一个Outlook帐户。 但当我想发送一封电子邮件时，有警告说：「请验证你的帐户。我们发现你的Outlook.com帐户存在一些异常活动。为了帮助保护你，我们暂时阻止了你的帐户。」我没理它，我觉得微软无聊了。但微软是认真的，我的电子邮件完全发不出去！

最后我忍了，但网站请求手机通过验证，《印度尼西亚》没有上市！比尔·盖茨他妈。。

没错，我以前写了这样的事情。

should i move to another country just to use my outlook account?

I just created an Outlook account. But when I wanted to send an email it said "Please verify your account. We've noticed some unusual activity in your Outlook.com account. To help protect you, we've temporarily blocked your account." I brushed it off, thinking Microsoft was being silly. But Microsoft was serious about it, I couldn't send any emails at all!

So I relented, but this happened: They asked for a mobile phone verification, but they didn't have 'Indonesia' listed! Wtf?

Yes, once I wrote something like this.

bù, tā zìjǐ bùshì yīgè jìnǚ

Yīgè péngyǒu zàidú wán wǒ de bókè zhīhòu fābiǎo yìjiàn. Tā juédé wǒ xiěle tài duō guānyú jìnǚ màiyín de shì. Tā shuō, bùshì měi gèrén dōu yǒu tiáojiàn zuò.

Jīntiān zài “zhǎngshàng zhōngguó” kàn dào yīgè lèisì de píngyǔ, wǒ cái míngbái tā de yìsi. “Shàng cuò àn” xiě: 'Chī ruǎn fàn yěshì mén jìshù huó shuí dōu néng chī ma zhǎng de chǒu yòu méi qián yòu méi fáng yòu méi chē yòu méi gèrén mèilì xiǎng chī yě chī bù dào a suǒyǐ tāmen chī néng jídù de qù mà yǒu nénglì chī de hāhāhā hā hā'

Bù, chī ruǎn fàn bùshì màiyín. Duì, wǒ cāi wǒ de péngyǒu xiǎng shuō de shì, rúguǒ wǒ xiǎng chéngwéi yīgè jìnǚ yě zuò bù dào a! Dàn tā zhǐsāngmàhuái, suǒyǐ tīng qǐlái bu tài kèbó.

不，她自己不是一个妓女

一个朋友在读完我的博客之后发表意见。她觉得我写了太多关于妓女卖淫的事。她说，不是每个人都有條件做。

今天在《掌上中国》看到一个类似的评语，我才明白她的意思。《上错岸》写：「吃软饭也是门技术活 谁都能吃吗 长的丑 又没钱 又没房 又没车 又没个人魅力 想吃也吃不到啊 所以他们吃能嫉妒的去骂有能力吃的 哈哈哈哈哈」

不，吃软饭不是卖淫。对，我猜我的朋友想说的是，如果我想成为一个妓女也做不到啊！但她指桑骂槐，所以听起來不太刻薄。

and no, she is not a prostitute herself

A friend shared her two-cents after reading my blogs. She thought I wrote too much about prostitution and the like. She said not everyone can do it.

I just understand what she meant after encountering a similar comment on chinaSMACK today. Someone called 上错岸 wrote "'Eating soft rice' is actually a technical job, not one anyone can do. If you’re ugly and you don’t have money nor house nor car nor personal charm, you can try and still not succeed! So, they can only enviously go criticize those who have the ability to do so! Hahahahaha!"

No, eating soft rice is not prostituting. Yes, I suspect that my friend basically said I didn't have what it took to become a prostitute. She just masked it so it didn't sound too harsh.

rén shǔ zhī jiān

Gěi yīgè ruòzhì de jùrén yī zhǐ xiǎo gǒu, wúlùn tā píngshí duōme de wēnróu, dōu shì yī jiàn làn de zhǔyì. Bìng bùshì léi ní běnzhí yǒu duō huài, zhǐshì tā bù zhīdào tā yǒu duōme qiángzhuàng. Shāle nà zhǐ xiǎo gǒu duì tā lái shuō bu xìng, dāngchǎng zhuāle léi ní xiànxíng duì tā de lǎobǎnniáng lái shuō yěshì bùxìng, jíjiāng jiù biàn chéngle guānfū duì tā de lǎobǎn tóngyàng bùxìng, dài shàng léi ní qù nàlǐ duì qiáozhì lái shuō yě yīyàng bùxìng, duì nà zhǐ xiǎo gǒu zìjǐ lái shuō zuì bùxìng! Kěnéng zhè běn shū de shū míng yīnggāi gǎi chéng “bō tè lái ěr dà yùxiǎn”, rúguǒ bǎnquán yánjìn, huòxǔ “bùxìng de hào kè” yě bùcuò.

Jiéjú shì qiáozhì kāi qiāng jí zhòng léi ní tóu bù jiāng tāshāle. Qiáozhì juédé zhèyàng zuò duìyú léi ní lái shuō huì gèng hǎo, yīnwèi rúguǒ léi ní bèi tāmen zhuā dàole, tā hěn kěnéng huì bèi kǎodǎ, shòu fēi rén de zhémó.

Yǔ zhège lèisì, jǐ tiān qián yīgè zhōngguó péngyǒu gàosù wǒ tā de wèntí, tā huáiyùnle, dànshì tā lián qù yíngjiē zhège háizi de chūshēng de qián dōu méiyǒu, gèng bùyòng shuō fǔyǎng tā. Tā méiyǒu gēn wǒ shuō tā huì bǎ zhège háizi dǎ diào, dànshì wǒ gǎnjué tā xīnlǐ jǐ jīng juédìng zhèyàng zuò.

Shénme shì duì, shénme shì cuò? Wǒmen yīnggāi zěnme fēnbiàn?

人鼠之間

给一个弱智的巨人一只小狗，无论他平时多么的温柔，都是一件烂的主意。并不是雷尼本质有多坏，只是他不知道他有多么强壮。杀了那只小狗对他来说不幸，当场抓了雷尼现行对他的老板娘来说也是不幸，即将就变成了鳏夫对他的老板同样不幸，带上雷尼去那里对喬治来说也一样不幸，对那只小狗自己来说最不幸！可能这本书的书名应该改成《波特萊爾大遇險》，如果版权严禁，或许《不幸的浩克》也不错。

结局是喬治开枪击中雷尼头部将他杀了。喬治觉得这样做对于雷尼来说会更好，因为如果雷尼被他们抓到了，他很可能会被拷打，受非人的折磨。

与这个类似，几天前一个中国朋友告诉我她的问题，她怀孕了，但是她连去迎接这个孩子的出生的钱都没有，更不用说抚养他。她没有跟我说她会把这个孩子打掉，但是我感觉她心里己经决定这样做。

什么是对，什么是错？我们应该怎么分辨？

of mice and men

Giving young puppies to a mentally challenged giant, no matter how gentle he usually in everyday life, is a bad idea. Not that Lennie was basically evil, he just had no idea how strong he could be. It was unlucky for him to kill the puppy, unlucky for his employer's wife to catch him on the act, unlucky for his employer who soon became a widower, unlucky for George who took Lennie to that place, unlucky for the puppy itself. Maybe the title should be "A Series of Unfortunate Events", if only the title's not already being taken. Or "Unfortunate Hulk", maybe.

In the end George killed Lennie by shooting him on the head. He did that with Lennie's general good in mind, because if Lennie ever got caught, he would very likely get torture, an inhumane one.

In a similar fashion a few days ago a Chinese friend told me about her problems. She was pregnant but didn't have enough money to pay for childbirth, let alone raise a child. She didn't say abortion explicitly, but I had the feeling that the idea was there in her mind.

About whether it's right or wrong, who are we to decide?

nǐ zhīdào zìjǐ jiǎnféi yǐ chū yǒu chéngxiào, dāng...

Yǒu yīgè nán tóngshì wènle 'Nǐ dānshēn ma?' Dāng tīng wán nǐ shuō 'bù', tā hěn kuài shuō yào shīpéi jiù líkāile.

Hái yǒu yīgè xǐhuān jǐ rén zuòméi de tóngshì dàmā, kāishǐ guǎn nǐ de xiánshì, è, duì nǐ hěn yǒuhǎo.

'Nǐ shòule hǎoduō, zhēn lìhài!'

'Dānshēn nǚ háizi a bù gāi zhèyàng, bùxíng!'

(Méi rén fǎnbó tā. Míngbáile tā zhèyàng de rén bù xǐhuān bèi jiūzhèng.)

Hái yǒu lìng yīgè nán tóngshì, tā píngshí zhǐ hé chāo shòu de nǚhái shuōhuà, kāishǐ guǎn nǐ de xiánshì, è, duì nǐ hěn yǒuhǎo.

:D

你知道自己减肥已初有成效，当。。。

有一个男同事问了「你单身吗？」当听完你说「不」，他很快说要失陪就离开了。

还有一个喜欢给人做媒的同事大妈，开始管你的闲事，呃，对你很友好。

「你瘦了好多，真厉害！」

「单身女孩子啊不该这样，不行！」

（没人反驳她。明白了她这样的人不喜欢被纠正。）

还有另一个男同事，他平时只和超瘦的女孩说话，开始管你的闲事，呃，对你很友好。

：D

you know you've lost a few pounds from your overweight state when...

A male colleague asked "Are you single?" and excused himself promptly after you said no to that question.

Also when a relatively old female colleague known as someone who like to matchmake people started being nosy - ahem - friendly to you.

"You've lost weight, that's nice!"

"A single girl aren't supposed to do blahblahblah!"

No, I didn't correct her. Women like these do not like to be corrected.

Also when another male colleague, who usually talked to thin girls only, began to act nosy - ahem - friendly toward you.

:D

XD

'XD' shì shénme yìsi? Nǐ huì gàosù wǒ ma, 'XD' shì shénme yìsi? Rén yòng nǎge gēn wǒ zài liáotiān de skype.
-- Alin-liaosiyuan, zhōngguó fānyì--

Wǒ qián tóngshì yǐqián wèn wǒ yīgè lèisì de wèntí. Ránhòu wǒ huà zài zhǐ shàng 'XD' hé xuánzhuǎn nà zhǐ jiǔshí dù gěi tā kàn.

XD

「XD」是什么意思？你会告诉我吗，「XD」是什么意思？人用哪个跟我在聊天的skype。
-- Alin-liaosiyuan, 中国翻译--

我前同事以前问我一个类似的问题 。然后我画在纸上「XD」和旋转那纸九十度给她看。

XD

what's the "XD" means? Could you tell me what the "XD" means ? it always be used when i chat with someone on skype.
-- Alin-liaosiyuan, quoted as is--

A colleague (now ex) once asked me a similar question. I proceeded to draw 'XD' on a piece of paper and rotate it 90 degrees for her to see.

"tā bù kěn tīng wǒ shuō dehuà, zěnme bàn?"

Duìyú qínglǚ jiān nánshēng bù kěn língtīng nǚshēng dehuà de xiàohuà wǒ shícháng gǎndào hǎoxiào, zhídào wǒ zìjǐ yě jīnglìle yī huí.

Kàn lái nánshēng jiēshòu tèdìng nǚhái yìjiàn de dànǎo bùfèn sìhū huì suí liǎng rén guānxì de jìnzhǎn ér tuìhuà. Chóngfù tóng yīgè xìnxī nǎpà sān biàn, dōu wúfǎ bǎozhèng tāmen de dànǎo huì jiēshōu.

Wǒ bǎ liǎng lì jiāo wán fàng zài chuángtóuguì shang de diézi lǐle. Fěnsè de jiāo wán shì wéitāmìng yǐ shí'èr. Lìngwài yī lì lǜsè de shì “jiàn ān xǐ nǚxìng fùhé pèifāng”. Wǒ gàosùle wǒ de àirén chī fěnsè de, lǜsè shì wǒ chī de (dāngrán ā).

Ránhòu dāng wǒ yào chī lǜsè de jiāo wán shí, diézi de lǐmiàn shénme dōu méiyǒule! Wǒ mǎshàng pǎo qù zhǎo wǒ àirén, fāxiàn yīnwèi tā bù tīng wǒ shuō shénme de xíguàn dǎozhì tā yǐjīng chīle tāmen.

... Bùdé bù shuō zài gàosù tā nà lì lǜsè jiāo wán shì nǚxìng fúyòng de zhīhòu, kànzhe tā liǎn shàng de biǎoqíng jiǎnzhí shì zhǒng xiǎngshòu, yīnwèi kàn qǐlái tā hǎoxiàng hěn dānxīn zìjǐ huì zhǎng chū yī duì mī mī. XD

「他不肯听我说的话，怎么办？」

对于情侣间男生不肯聆听女生的话的笑话我时常感到好笑，直到我自己也经历了一回。

看来男生接受特定女孩意见的大脑部分似乎会随两人关系的进展而退化。重复同一个信息哪怕三遍，都无法保证他们的大脑会接收。

我把两粒胶丸放在床头柜上的碟子里了。粉色的胶丸是维他命乙十二。另外一粒绿色的是《健安喜女性复合配方 》。我告诉了我的爱人吃粉色的，绿色是我吃的（当然阿）。

然后当我要吃绿色的胶丸时，碟子的里面什么都没有了！我马上跑去找我爱人，发现因为他不听我说什么的习惯导致他已经吃了它们。

。。。不得不说在告诉他那粒绿色胶丸是女性服用的之后，看着他脸上的表情简直是种享受，因为看起来他好像很担心自己会长出一对咪咪。XD

he just won't listen...

I laughed (and still laugh, sometimes) at jokes about couples where the man won't listen to the woman. But then I experience some.

A man's brain part that accepts a particular girl's voice seem to degenerate over time in a relationship. Repeating a piece of information three times doesn't guarantee that it will get through his skull.

So it happened that I put two pills on a saucer on the nightstand. One was pink. It contained B-12 vitamin. The other is green. It was GNC women's hair, skin & nails formula. I told my lover to take the pink one, the green one was for me (obviously).

Later when I wanted to take the green one, there was nothing on the saucer! I rushed to my lover only to find out that he had taken them both as the result of his habit of not listening to what I say.

... I can't say I didn't enjoy seeing his face after I told him the green one was for women only. Like he's afraid he would grow a pair of breasts or something. XD

guge putonghuà yuyin

Ni zuì ài de bókè xiànzài pèibèile guge putonghuà yuyin! Zài rènhé tiezi dì dìbù dou néng kàn dào bìng ganshòu dào!

Bèizhù: Yinwèi zhè shì xin de gongnéng, rúguo ni faxiàn cuòwù qing gàozhi wo.

谷歌普通话语音

你最爱的博客现在配备了谷歌普通话语音！在任何帖子的地步都能看到并感受到！

备注：因为这是新的功能，如果你发现错误请告知我。

google mandarin speech

Your favorite blog is now equipped with Google Mandarin speech! See the bottom of any individual post and enjoy!

P.S: Because this is rather new, kindly let me know if you find errors.

wā bíkǒng -- dì èr bùfèn

Āi, jiě zěnme zhème dǎoméi! Piānpiān jiù zài wǒ wā bíkǒng wā dé rùmí de shíhòu, jiǎobù shēng chuán lái, yīgè nán shén yīyàng de nánzǐ kàn dàole wǒ wā bíkǒng, yīnwèi wǒ méiyǒu tíngzhǐ. =__=a

Tài gāngàle, āiyā, gāngà sǐle.

挖鼻孔 -- 第二部分

唉，姐怎么这么倒霉！偏偏就在我挖鼻孔挖得入迷的时候，脚步声传来，一个男神一样的男子看到了我挖鼻孔，因为我没有停止。=__=a

太尴尬了，哎呀，尴尬死了。

nose-picking -- part two

When you don't stop picking your nose as soon as hearing footsteps nearing, behold, that's the only time those footsteps ever belong to the cutest guy around. =__=a

Annoyed to the max!

tiān jiāngxióng shī

Chénglóng de liǎn bìng bùshì méi zhěngguò. Tā zài zhíyè shēngyá chūqí jiù kāile shuāng yǎnpí. Wǒ xiǎng tā zài pāi zuìxīn yī bù diànyǐng zhīqián yòu zuòle yīcì, “tiān jiāngxióng shī”. Tā suǒyǒu de zhòuwén dōu xiāoshīle. Bī, dāng tā zài dà píngmù shàng shuō 'Míngtiān nǐ xiǎng qù nǎlǐ?' Shí, lián wǒ dū gǎndào xīntiàole.

'Wǒ péi nǐ, chénglóng gē, bùguǎn qù nàlǐ!' *bèi zhège shūshu de chóng sù de yīngjùn méngbìle*

天将雄狮

成龙的脸并不是没整过。他在职业生涯初期就开了双眼皮。我想他在拍最新一部电影之前又做了一次，《天将雄狮》。他所有的皱纹都消失了。逼，当他在大屏幕上说「明天你想去哪里？」时，连我都感到心跳了。

「我陪你，成龙哥，不管去那里！」*被这个叔叔的重塑的英俊蒙蔽了*

dragon blade

Jackie Chan is not virgin to plastic surgeon's knives. He underwent eyelid surgery at the beginning of his career. I think he did it again before the filming of his newest movie, Dragon Blade. All his wrinkles disappear. H*ll, even I skipped a heartbeat when he said "Where do you want to go? Tomorrow." on the big screen.

"Wherever you go, Jackie, wherever you go!" *blinded by his new plastic handsomeness*

jiǎzhī

Jǐ zhōu qián wǒ hé wǒ de dàxué tóngxué kànle yī bù míng jiào "Huángjiā Tègōng: Jiàndié Mìlìng" de diànyǐng. Zhè shì yī bù hǎokàn de diànyǐng. Rán'ér, kàn wán hòu wǒ hěn hàoqí: Wèishéme wǒ zài rìcháng shēnghuó zhōng hái méi kàn dào shǐyòng lèisì Gé Xī Er zài diànyǐng zhōng de jiǎzhī huò Cí Qí Xiào Měi zài yóuxì "Piàn Lún Shàonǚ" zhōng de jiǎzhī de rén?

假肢

几周前我和我的大学同学看了一部名叫《皇家特工：間諜密令》的电影。这是一部好看的电影。然而，看完后我很好奇：为什么我在日常生活中还没看到使用类似葛希兒在电影中的假肢或茨崎笑美在游戏《片轮少女》中的假肢的人？

prosthetics

A few weeks ago I watched Kingsman: The Secret Service with my friend from university days. The movie is nice, however, after watching, a question linger in my head for days. How come in real life I've never seen someone wearing prosthetics like the ones Gazelle wore in the movie, or Emi did in the game Katawa Shoujo?

wénhuà de qūbié -- dì sān bùfèn

Liǎng nián qián zuǒyòu, dāng wǒ zhīdào de zhōngwén cíyǔ zhēn de zhēn de hěn shǎo. Wǒ qùle yīgè mù zú jiā, yīgè nǚhái gěi wǒ ànmó. Tā liánxù shuō zhōngwén suīrán wǒ bù huì yòng zhōngwén huídá tā.

Wǒ ránhòu gàosù wǒ de péngyǒu wǒ zài lǐmiàn de dān biān liáotiān, tā hěn chījīng.

`Yǒu shé me wèntí ya? Wǒ zhǐyào tā gàosù wǒ, tā láizì nǎge shěng.'

Tā huídá dào: "Nà yòng 'nǐ shì nǎlǐ rén?', bié yòng 'nǐ shì shénme rén?'!"

文化的区别 -- 第三部分

两年前左右，当我知道的中文词语真的真的很少。我去了一个沐足家，一个女孩给我按摩。她连续说中文虽然我不会用中文回答她。

我然后告诉我的朋友我在里面的单边聊天，她很吃惊。

「有什么问题呀？我只要她告诉我，她来自哪个省。」

她回答道：「那用《你是哪里人？》，别用《你是什么人？》！」

culture shock -- part three

This happened about two years ago, when my Chinese vocabulary consisted of about ten words only.

I went to a massage place, and the masseuse keep talking in Chinese language despite my lack of reply in the same language.

Afterwards I told my friend about the almost one-sided conversation I had inside. She showed a horrified expression.

"What's the matter? I only wanted to know what province she's from."

She said, "Then do not use 'What are you', use 'Where do you come from'!"

bǐyǒu -- dì sān bùfèn

Qùnián shí yuè wǒ xiěle fēng xìn jì wǎng zhōngguó. Kě zhè fēng xìn cái dàodá wǒ péngyǒu jiā de shíjiān shì.. jīnnián èr yuè. =.=a

Wèishéme huì huā zhème cháng shíjiān? Shì yóupiào tài piányíle ma? Dànshì wǒ zhōngguó péngyǒu yě méi fù hěnduō qián, rán'ér tā de shū xìnyòng yīgè yuè nèi dào wǒ zhè.

笔友 -- 第三部分

去年十月我写了封信寄往中国。可这封信才到达我朋友家的时间是。。。今年二月。=.=a

为什么会花这么长时间?是邮票太便宜了吗？但是我中国朋友也没付很多钱，然而她的书信用一个月内到我这。

pen friend -- part three

Last October I sent a letter to China. The letter reached its destination... in February this year. =.=a

Why did it take a very long time? Were the stamps too cheap? But my friend in China didn't pay much money and I received her letter in less than a month.

gěi liǎng gèrén zuòméi de hòuguǒ... -- dì èr bùfèn

Wǒ de tóngshì wǔshí duō suìle, tā shuō tā jīntiān wǎnshàng huì wèi liǎng gèrén zuòméi.

Wǒ lìngwài yīgè tóngshì, yěshì wǔshí duō suì, shuō: "Bàituō nǐ yě bāng wǒ hé yīgè nǚhái zuòméi!" Shíjì shang tā jiéhūnle, érqiě yǒu jǐ gè háizi, hái yǒu gè sūnzi jíjiāng chūshēng.

给两个人做媒的后果。。。 -- 第二部分

我的同事五十多岁了，他说他今天晚上会为两个人做媒。

我另外一个同事，也是五十多岁，说：「拜托你也帮我和一个女孩做媒！」实际上他结婚了，而且有几个孩子，还有个孙子即将出生。

after matchmaking two persons... -- part two

My colleague, a fifty-something old man, said that he was going to matchmake two persons this evening.

Another fifty-something colleague, a married man with children and soon a grandchild, exclaims "Please matchmake me too!"

nánrén bànyǎn de wǔzétiān

Yīgè nánrén bànyǎn de wǔzétiān. Zhēn de hěn měi! Wǒ dū bù zhīdào gāi shuō shénmeliǎo! Nánrén zěnme huì nàme měi? Kǔ!

男人扮演的武则天

一个男人扮演的武则天。真的很美！我都不知道该说什么了！男人怎么会那么美？苦！

empress wu cosplay... by a man!

So a guy cosplayed ancient Chinese Empress Wu. Really really pretty I lack words to say! How can a guy be so pretty? *sobs in envy*

bǐyǒu -- dì èr bùfèn

Nǐmen zhīdào ma? Dú diànnǎo shūrù de hànyǔ wénzhāng bǐ shǒuxiě de hànyǔ wénzhāng gèng róngyì.

笔友 -- 第二部分

你们知道吗?读电脑输入的汉语文章比手写的汉语文章更容易。

pen friend -- part two

Do you know that reading computer-generated Chinese characters is easier than reading those that is written by humans?

zhǎngshàng zhōngguó

Jǐ shí nián qián, niánqīng rén zài guǎngchǎng shàng tiào jiāoyì wǔ, bùgù lǎonián rén de gǎnshòu. Rújīn, lǎonián rén zài guǎngchǎng shàng tiào guǎngchǎng wǔ, bùgù niánqīng rén de gǎnshòu. Jǐ shí nián qián, niánqīng de hóng wèibīng dǎ, zá, qiǎng, shāo, huòhàile yī bāng lǎonián rén. Xiànzài, yīxiē lǎonián rén pèng cí, é rén, zìjǐ shuāi dǎo kēng rén, huòhàile yī bāng niánqīng rén……zǐxì xiǎng xiǎng, qíshí bùshì lǎonián rén biàn huàile, ér shì, nà bō huàirén biàn lǎole.
-- wǎngyì zhèjiāng shěng hángzhōu shì shǒujī wǎngyǒu --

Xiànzài wǒ kāishǐ xǐhuān yòng zhōngwén xiěle. Wǒ xiǎng, wǒ zhōngwén xuéxí de gǎijìn chàbùduōle. Dāng wǒ qìngzhù, wǒ yīdìng yào dào 'Zhǎngshàng Zhōngguó' shuō: "Zhēnzhèng de yīngxióng jiùshì nǐ!" Xièxiè nàgè wǎngzhàn, xuéxí, zěnme shuō ne, nà bù xiàng xuéxí. Xuéxí gèng xiàng bāguà, wǒmen zhōng de shǎoshù (yīnggāi bìmiǎn shuō wǒmen zhōng de duōshù, xī xī xī) xiǎngshòuzhe. Zhēn hǎowán! Shì shì ba!

掌上中国

几十年前，年轻人在广场上跳交谊舞，不顾老年人的感受。如今，老年人在广场上跳广场舞，不顾年轻人的感受。几十年前，年轻的红卫兵打，砸，抢，烧，祸害了一帮老年人。现在，一些老年人碰瓷，讹人，自己摔倒坑人，祸害了一帮年轻人……仔细想想，其实不是老年人变坏了，而是，那拨坏人变老了。
-- 网易浙江省杭州市手机网友 --

现在我开始喜欢用中文写了。我想，我中文学习的改进差不多了。当我庆祝，我一定要到《掌上中国》说：「真正的英雄就是你！」谢谢那个网站，学习，怎么说呢，那不像学习。学习更像八卦，我们中的少数（应该避免说我们中的多数，嘻嘻嘻）享受着。真好玩！试试吧！

chinasmack

Several decades ago, young people were on public plazas engaging in social dancing, not caring about how they impacted the elderly. Today, the elderly are on public plazas engaging in public plaza dancing, not caring about how they impact the young. Several decades ago, the young Red Guards were beating, smashing, looting, and burning, harming a bunch of elderly people. Now, some elderly are false injuring scamming, extorting people after they fell on their own, harming a bunch of young people… Now think carefully, actually it isn’t that old people have become bad, it is that bad people have become old.
-- NetEase Hangzhou phone user --

I am now starting to enjoy writing in Chinese language. I guess I've made not so small improvement learning Chinese. In celebrating I must say to chinasmack: You're da real MVP. How to put it, that site makes learning, well, not like learning. It is more like gossipping, an activity that some (to avoid saying most) of us enjoy. It is fun! Try it!

mìmì de lǐwù

Shì shuí tōutōu gěi wǒ jì láile yītiáo qún zǐ zuòwéi lǐwù ne? Qǐng zhàn chūlái. Rúguǒ wǒ zhīdào shì shuí zuòle zhè jiàn shì wǒ huì hěn gāoxìng de shōu xià zhège lǐwù de!

秘密的礼物

是谁偷偷给我寄来了一条裙子作为礼物呢？请站出来。 如果我知道是谁做了这件事我会很高兴地收下这个礼物的！

secret gift

Okay whoever secretly sent me a dress as a gift now please stand up (please stand up, please stand up). A gift would be received gladly if I know who had sent it.

māo de lǎobǎn

Wǒ de àirén gānggāng bàoyuàn yī zhǐ māo. Nà māo bùshì wǒmen de, tā shì yóudàng zài wǒjiā fùjìn de yěshēng māo zhōng de yī zhǐ.

Yī zhǐ gōng māo, tā xiǎng yào zhǎo yī zhǐ mǔ māo pèizhǒng. Dàole fāqíng qí gōng māo de jiào shēng shì shìjiè shàng zuì nántīng de. Tāmen jìnlì qù mófǎng shīzi de 'áo wū' háo jiào. Bìngqiě bù fēn báitiān hé hēiyè bù tíng de jiàohuàn.

Wúlùn rúhé, dāng wǒ de àirén zài nà zhǐ māo xiǎng yào háo jiào de shíhòu jīngguò, tā de shēngyīn jiù hǎoxiàng shì yuángōng zài húnào de shíhòu bèi lǎobǎn zhuō zhù yīyàng. Nà māo de háo jiào jiárán ér zhǐ, zhǐ néng kělián de jiàozhe: 'Mī?'

Tā děngdào wǒ de àirén zǒuchū wǔ bù kāiwài, quèdìng zìjǐ yǐjīng ānquánle, cái kāishǐ xúnzhǎo yǔ zìjǐ pèizhǒng de mǔ māo.

猫的老板

我的爱人刚刚抱怨一只猫。那猫不是我们的，它是游荡在我家附近的野生猫中的一只。

一只公猫，它想要找一只母猫配种。到了发情期公猫的叫声是世界上最难听的。它们尽力去模仿狮子的「嗷呜」嚎叫。并且不分白天和黑夜不停地叫唤。

无论如何，当我的爱人在那只猫想要嚎叫的时候经过，它的声音就好像是员工在胡闹的时候被老板捉住一样。那猫的嚎叫戛然而止，只能可怜地叫着：「咪？」

它等我的爱人走了大概五步远，确定了安全之后它又开始找母猫。

它等到我的爱人走出五步开外，确定自己已经安全了，才开始寻找与自己配种的母猫。

cat boss

My lover just complained about a cat. The cat he complained about wasn't ours, it was one of the wild cats roaming the neighborhood.

The cat was male, and it wanted to mate. Male cats' mating call is not the most beautiful voice in the world. Looks like they try too hard to imitate lions' roar. Moreover they do it night and day, incessantly.

Anyway, my lover was passing through when the cat began warming up its throat. It was almost like an employee caught in the act of clowning by his boss. The cat stopped mid-sentence and meowed in the most despicable way. "Meow?"

The cat waited 'till my lover was about five walking steps distance to decide that it was already safe to call for potential mates again.

pǔshù - píngfán zhī lù

Wǒ dì yī cì tīng zhè shǒu gē, tā mírén de xuánlǜ jiù yǐnqǐle wǒ de zhùyì. Dànshì, dāng wǒ zhǎo tā de gēcí de shíhòu, yīxiē wèntí chūxiànle. Bǐrú, nǎ me duō 'fēi a fēi a', 'hāi a hāi a' shì zěnme huí shì?

Tā zài chàng fù gē de shíhòu yǒu yīxiē cí bù fāshēng, huòzhě yòng ěryǔ de xíngshì dàiguò. Bǐrú 'wǒ céngjīng huǐle wǒ de yīqiè' lǐ de 'de' hé 'wǒ céngjīng duò rù wú biān hēi'àn' lǐ de 'biān' dōu hěn wěiqu.

... Wǒ de dì èr gè xiǎngfǎ shì, yěxǔ zhè shìgè hǎoshì, yīnwèi tā zài chuándì bēishāng. Juéwàng de rén cháng zhèyàng shuōhuà, tāmen shuō dehuà wǎngwǎng shēngdiào bù gāo.

Hái yǒu, nǐmen zhīdào tā yòng shénme fāngyán shuō chànggē de qiáoliáng ma? Zài wǒ tīng lái, 'zhème zǒu' tīng qǐlái xiàng 'shàngzòu', ér 'shénme' tīng qǐlái xiàng 'shàn pō'.

朴树－平凡之路

我第一次听这首歌，它迷人的旋律就引起了我的注意。但是，当我找它的歌词的时候，一些问题出现了。比如，哪么多「飞啊飞啊」，「嗨啊嗨啊」是怎么回事？

他在唱副歌的时候有一些词不发声，或者用耳语的形式带过。比如「我曾经毁了我的一切」里的「的」和「我曾經墮入無邊黑暗」里的「边」都很委屈。

。。。我的第二个想法是，也许这是个好事，因为他在传递悲伤。绝望的人常这样说话，他们说的话往往声调不高。

还有，你们知道他用什么方言说唱歌的橋樑吗？在我听来，「这么走」听起来像「上奏」，而「什么」听起来像「善坡」。

pu shu - the ordinary road

This song caught my attention the first time I heard it because of its catchy tone. But later when I searched its lyrics, some questions emerged. Like... What's up with all the viavia, hiahias?

Pu Shu also silenced many words in the chorus or saying them in a faint whisper, the 'that' in 'Once, I ruined all that I had' and the 'end' in 'Once, I fell in endless despair' is surely not served justice here.

Also does anyone know what dialect he's using when rapping the bridge? In my inexperienced ears 'like that' and 'such a' sounds like different words altogether.

xuě

Wǒ de yéyé chūshēng zài zhōngguó de nánbù dìqū, jùlí táiwān hěn tái jìn, yīncǐ tā jiāxiāng méiyǒu xiàguò xuě.

Xīqí de, tā yǐ gè 'xuě' zì wèi wǒ liǎng gè gūgū ér qǐmíng. Tā qùshì de shíhòu, wǒ bàba cái qī suì, hái bù dào shēng xià wǒ de niánlíng (dāngrán a!>.<) Suǒyǐ wǒ hé wǒ yéyé hái méiyǒu jiànguò miàn.

Wǒ yǒngyuǎn yě bù kěnéng zhīdào wǒ de cāicè shìfǒu shì zhèngquè de, dàn wǒ gǎnjué dédào wǒ yéyé hěn xǐhuān xuě (rúguǒ tā kànle xuě), huòzhě tā xiǎng qīnzì qù kàn xuě.

Wǒ yě hái méi jiànguò xuě shì yīnwèi wǒ suǒ jūzhù de yìnní shǔyú rèdài qìhòu. Wǒ yīzhí zài zǎn qián wèile qù kàn yīxià zhōngguó de dōngjì, dànshì hái chà hěnduō.

雪

我的爷爷出生在中国的南部地区，距离台湾很台近， 因此他家乡没有下过雪。

稀奇的，他以个「雪」字为我兩个姑姑而起名。他去世的时候，我爸爸才七岁，还不到生下我的年龄（当然啊！>.<）所以我和我爷爷还没有见过面。

我永远也不可能知道我的猜测是否是正确的，但我感觉得到我爷爷很喜欢雪（如果他看了雪），或者他想亲自去看雪。

我也还没见过雪是因为我所居住的印尼属于热带气候。我一直在攒钱为了去看一下中国的冬季，但是还差很多。

snow

My grandfather was born in China, but at the southern area near Taiwan, therefore his hometown has never experienced snowfall.

Strangely he gave both of my aunts the character 'snow' in their names. He passed away when my father was seven years old, not old enough to have me (obviously! >.<) so I've never met him.

This can never be confirmed on first person basis, but I guess my grandfather loved snow very much - that is, if he'd ever seen any, or he really wanted to see snow.

I've never seen snow either, because my country has tropical climate. I have been saving to go to China in winter, but still far from enough.

yī qiān jiǔbǎi sìshíwǔ niánle, nà... hěn lìhài a

Zhè shì yīduàn fūqī zhī jiān de zhēnshí duìhuà:

'Zhōunián kuàilè, lǎopó.'

"Zhōunián kuàilè!"

'Wǒmen zài yīqǐ duō shào niánle?'

"Wǒ wàngjìle. Wǒmen shì zài nà yī nián kāishǐ de?"

'Qī líng.' Tā de yìsi shì yījiǔqī líng.

"Jīnnián shì èr líng yīwǔ nián, suǒyǐ wǒmen zài yīqǐ yǐjīng yǒu yīqiān jiǔbǎi sìshíwǔ niánle."

Ránhòu nánrén de kāishǐ hēngzhe "Xīhú Měijǐng" de 'A hēhē, a hēhē.'

(Hǎo ba, wǒ quèshí xiěle yīgè bókè wénzhāng lèisì yú zhège.)

一千九百四十五年了，那。。。很厉害啊

这是一段夫妻之间的真实对话：

「周年快乐，老婆。」

「周年快乐!」

「我们在一起多少年了？」

「我忘记了。我们是在那一年开始的？」

「七零。」他的意思是一九七零。

「今年是二零一五年，所以我们在一起已经有一千九百四十五年了。」

然后男人的开始哼着《西湖美景》的「啊呵呵，啊呵呵。」

（好吧，我确实写了一个博客文章类似于这个。）

one thousand nine hundred and forty-five years, that's... amazing

Below is a real conversation between a couple:

"Happy anniversary, my dear."

'Happy anniversary!'

"How long have we been in a relationship again?"

'I dunno, what year was it started?'

"70." He meant 1970.

'This is 2015, so we have been in a relationship for 1945 years.'

And so the boyfriend started lalala-ing the tunes of White Snake Legend OST.

(Alright, indeed I wrote a blog post similar to this one before.)